Sit down and make yourself comfortable, it would be delightful if you brewed yourself a cup of tea or coffee...prepared your mind for the story I'm about to tell you. A real story painted in abstract notes. Notes that I only pray I can convey,

Be patient with me. This story could span books and I only have a few pages. Only minutes to explain something that changed my whole life, and something that undoubtedly has at some point changed yours too.

It started with a physical issue, a breaking in my screen, a broken plug, erratic wifi connection.

But often when things break on the outside it's only a reflection of what's breaking inside.

The shells I built were so convincing even I was sold

I am living a life worth something  

I blog, I write, I find pretty pictures, my readers love me and my work

But you see, life doesn't revolve around what everything thinks of you and what you are able to do

Life revolves first and foremost around who you are in your truest essence and sadly...the online world proves absolutely nothing

And the break on the outside got me brewing on the inside

If all this was gone... who would I be?

No one

You cannot build your identity on sand castles, please please do not build your identity on such frail structures or you will break and fade away so pitifully.

That summer was difficult

Denial was as hot and strong as the humid air hanging above me

I tripped, I fell, I saw, I experienced

I changed

I started to bear the marks of one who has really begun to live life

No not a beautiful one, simply the jungle forest of good and bad all mixed up and shaken up.

I started to realize in the very scariness of the moment that everyone was so fatally flawed

And i was only a speck in the world, nothing special...yet somehow that knowledge felt incredibly empowering

It was alright to let go of the old bandages striping my pale deprived skin

I became truer to myself

More honest to God

Less perfect

More primal

Shedding the skins until I reached the very core

And until that moment I did not realize that it takes time, it takes change and an endless chain of digging and discovery and mistake making to find the truth in its nature

Don't get me wrong, Solomon was right when he said that knowledge is a curse.

Knowledge is a curse

But my ignorance was never a blessing

Those who are conceived in a place filled with confusion, a sustenance of false beliefs...

They are often so giving of heart, many times the resentment doesn't start at the continuous statements like

"It's a waste of time...you are absent minded and slothful and undisciplined" which all translates to disappointment in YOU

No many of us just throw on layer on layer of goodness to conceal the wound. If i will be good enough, perhaps this too shall pass.

But no.

Somethings never change

And so we, I must change

The breaking on the outside only reflects the breaking on the inside

The intense urgency to repair

To grow back to completion before slipping into oblivion

I will be never done growing

But my heart has been watered

Unconscious to those around me I didn't see that among the wolves there were sheep like me 

All a little bit different but many with arms open

So first of all thanks to God

Then thanks to me, thanks to the little voice inside urging me to do something crazy...the voice knew what it was saying

Then last but not least thanks to my friends, my family, the random strangers fingerprints...the prayers, the believing in me, never judging me as I started to be really ME, holding my hand along the way and never letting me doubt that my heart though imperfect was full of blossoming potential.

So? Three things

1. I am so ready to be back here and be shamelessly myself and bring you all kinds of wonderful, raw and constantly improving content

2. Find friends, find people who will listen and listen back...don't stay with toxic people if you can possibly avoid it

3. Listen to the little voice screaming inside your head


 //Tell me all about the big and little things you've been learning, the things that have "changed your life" so to speak. And also how are you all, how have you been growing? I really want to hear from everyone <3 comment below!

Dismembered flies on his bookshelf 

Cremated ladybugs on the floor 

 Homemade napalm in his toy chest

 Bloodstained thumbtacks ‘neath the door 

 The target practice is potsherd 

Now the assassin lies in wait 

With a slingshot aimed at a songbird 

 That is about to meet its fate 

He tattooed his face with war paint 

He grew up bigger than his prey 

Morality was no restraint 

And he locked his conscience away 

He bare-knuckle brawled in the kitchen 

And beat you to show that he can

Now three of his teeth are missing 

But that makes him more of a “man” 

His head was an echo chamber 

He was overwhelmed by silence

And fears too painful to remember 

So he fought it all back violence 

Voices overflowed his mind 

His own thoughts became a cage 

His manic hatred made him blind 

His soul was consumed with rage 

He went back to his childhood home 

And struck match against his foot 

He cast it into the gaping tomb 

And reduced the place to soot 

He burned away the memories 

His broken past was lost 

He conquered all his enemies 

But at what terrible cost?

 Can a killer be forgiven? 

 Can you repair what you destroy? 

 Is he a monster and a villain? 

 Or is he just a misguided boy?

MERMAID

It was so long ago that I drowned

And forgot life above the surface.

I fell to the depths, lost hope of being found,

Grew gills and a tail to serve my new purpose.

Spending my days, water blurring my eyes

Bloom flowers above me, squelch mud below.

Living in the nothing reflecting the skies

And dancing in the currents that are mine to control.

And ever so rarely, I think of the land

Or accidentally I glance up.

Never did I know I wished to touch dry sand

And watch, from the beach, the water lap up.

Never did I think I wanted to go back

Or realize my name I’d forgotten.

Never, until, on a night, water black

Once again I was called, in a voice not as sodden

As those of the fish and my friends.

All at once I turned upwards, facing the sky

Swam towards where the water ends.

My hands touch air, then my face, and I cry

Because the wind I can’t breathe and the colours I can’t see

And the voice that had called me is gone.

And now I remember what happened to me

That world, with me, now is done. 

Find her at her blog site, Que What Now?

Or on her business page, Specialized Kinesiology Youth

Once, I was afraid of the ocean…

…and I did not understand why.

So,

I began to think.

What made the ocean

“the ocean”?

There were, of course,

blues and greens and sparks on the water

where the light touched the surface

and pierced into the life below.

There were schools of fish, always moving,

Always together, always dancing.

Shelves and shallows, teeming and swarming

with dark and brilliant things.

Vast space, empty and full,

With endless creatures, known and not,

shifting and drifting, forever drinking

the endless ocean waters.

And deeper, deeper, into the trenches,

lost in darkness, undiscovered

flows of lava, incandescent,

chilled to darkness;

never seen

again.

And there were fissures, effervescent,

Singing songs from deep below.

Their wonderous notes drift on and up,

But we’ll never hear the words.

I thought…

and thought...

but,

no.

I really didn’t seem to be afraid

of anything

that made the ocean

“the ocean”.

But here I was,

sick when standing next to it,

in tears when I stepped into it,

and terrified at the thought of going near it

again.

“Perhaps I should look at this differently”

I thought.

Perhaps...

“What am I afraid of?”

So I thought.

And asked.

And felt.

I…

Am afraid…

Of floating through space without air.

Of the sky, when I can’t see what lies beyond.

Of a mountain so steep I would slip, and fall, and crash.

Of a canyon so deep while I stand on its ledge.

I…

Am afraid…

Of the thought that there may be a God.

Of the emotion that I cannot withhold.

Of the hands that grab me and won’t let go.

Of the words that stab me, the ones

that can’t be withdrawn.

I…

Am afraid…

Of the deep.

The great.

The things by which I stand

that make me feel so, so small.

Of the things that make me feel

like I have so, so little control.

Yes…

Even now, standing by the waters,

Unable to see past the horizon,

Unable to see more than a few feet below,

I…

am afraid…

of the ocean.

Annie's website

{pics via pinterest}

First off, a huge huge thanks to all of you. Going through the poll was incredibly encouraging for me. Not only did I get priceless input but your comments and ideas all really warmed my heart and just made me yet more excited to release this dream to you all.

Now for the slow burn intro...I bet you all are thinking

"Anna has been erratic on the blogosphere almost absent and then out of the blue she just shocks us all with this poetry book. "

It's a bit of a complicated story. First of all during these busy months when I barely had time to write (still in the phase) I started going through my old writings and reflecting over my time span as a writer. And even though I call myself a writer (and I am), I would be lying if I didn't credit poetry to be my first love and my foremost talent in writing.



Poetry has always been inter weaved into my thoughts, my heart and my writing.

Poetry has become a way for me to deal with inner pain, with the things I don't understand.

With all of life's confusion 

I don't think it's any secret I've been on one of life's mean roller coasters lately.

And I think going through this time has made me understand what the thrown around phrase

"Write what you're most scared of"  actually means.

Yes, I'm scared of opening up about my situation...about my past.

But there's also something incredibly powerful about being brave enough to share it with others, and find again and again that you aren't alone.



I hope this poetry book comes soon (I'm thinking it should hopefully be out and available by the next school year), so far I think it's coming beautifully. It's a collection of the old and new, the raw and the developed. It's a wild bunch of words and emotions, but it's me and most importantly it's me fighting my fears.

I know these above words sound like an incoherent mess, hard to understand without any context. It's hard to explain in one post...in a few sentences. Even my mind finds it hard to wrap around the meaning of what is happening currently in my life.

The meaning of what we are here in this world for.

But it comes one step at a time, and I believe this book is one step.

So thank you all for helping me out on this sometimes scary journey, you all mean so much more than you could know. Every word of encouragement: the thoughtful notes, comments, advice and friendship has been invaluable.

Yeah it may sound cheesy but my heart aches a little as I write it. This has been my unrecognized dream for so long and I slowly see it unfolding. It's almost as if once I gave over my will, God replaced my plans with something quite different and yet so much more amazing than mine.

Ad Meloria

Late post again! I think this becoming a bad habit of mine :P ALSO I SAW THE GREATEST SHOWMAN AND IT WAS SO GOOD EEP!!!
How are you all doing? How has God been working in your lives? Talk to me below! <3

Love is patient, love is kind.
 It does not envy, it does not boast, 
it is not proud.
 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
 it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
(Corinthians 13:4-5)