Sit down and make yourself comfortable, it would be delightful if you brewed yourself a cup of tea or coffee...prepared your mind for the story I'm about to tell you. A real story painted in abstract notes. Notes that I only pray I can convey,

Be patient with me. This story could span books and I only have a few pages. Only minutes to explain something that changed my whole life, and something that undoubtedly has at some point changed yours too.

It started with a physical issue, a breaking in my screen, a broken plug, erratic wifi connection.

But often when things break on the outside it's only a reflection of what's breaking inside.

The shells I built were so convincing even I was sold

I am living a life worth something  

I blog, I write, I find pretty pictures, my readers love me and my work

But you see, life doesn't revolve around what everything thinks of you and what you are able to do

Life revolves first and foremost around who you are in your truest essence and sadly...the online world proves absolutely nothing

And the break on the outside got me brewing on the inside

If all this was gone... who would I be?

No one

You cannot build your identity on sand castles, please please do not build your identity on such frail structures or you will break and fade away so pitifully.

That summer was difficult

Denial was as hot and strong as the humid air hanging above me

I tripped, I fell, I saw, I experienced

I changed

I started to bear the marks of one who has really begun to live life

No not a beautiful one, simply the jungle forest of good and bad all mixed up and shaken up.

I started to realize in the very scariness of the moment that everyone was so fatally flawed

And i was only a speck in the world, nothing special...yet somehow that knowledge felt incredibly empowering

It was alright to let go of the old bandages striping my pale deprived skin

I became truer to myself

More honest to God

Less perfect

More primal

Shedding the skins until I reached the very core

And until that moment I did not realize that it takes time, it takes change and an endless chain of digging and discovery and mistake making to find the truth in its nature

Don't get me wrong, Solomon was right when he said that knowledge is a curse.

Knowledge is a curse

But my ignorance was never a blessing

Those who are conceived in a place filled with confusion, a sustenance of false beliefs...

They are often so giving of heart, many times the resentment doesn't start at the continuous statements like

"It's a waste of time...you are absent minded and slothful and undisciplined" which all translates to disappointment in YOU

No many of us just throw on layer on layer of goodness to conceal the wound. If i will be good enough, perhaps this too shall pass.

But no.

Somethings never change

And so we, I must change

The breaking on the outside only reflects the breaking on the inside

The intense urgency to repair

To grow back to completion before slipping into oblivion

I will be never done growing

But my heart has been watered

Unconscious to those around me I didn't see that among the wolves there were sheep like me 

All a little bit different but many with arms open

So first of all thanks to God

Then thanks to me, thanks to the little voice inside urging me to do something crazy...the voice knew what it was saying

Then last but not least thanks to my friends, my family, the random strangers fingerprints...the prayers, the believing in me, never judging me as I started to be really ME, holding my hand along the way and never letting me doubt that my heart though imperfect was full of blossoming potential.

So? Three things

1. I am so ready to be back here and be shamelessly myself and bring you all kinds of wonderful, raw and constantly improving content

2. Find friends, find people who will listen and listen back...don't stay with toxic people if you can possibly avoid it

3. Listen to the little voice screaming inside your head


 //Tell me all about the big and little things you've been learning, the things that have "changed your life" so to speak. And also how are you all, how have you been growing? I really want to hear from everyone <3 comment below!

IT"S TIME TO PARTY MY FRIENDS, I am back!!! And I have so much great content planned for you all, which I have been working on since winter.  Instead of jumping back into my blog with no context I decided to make a little intro with goodies for you guys + all my plan reveals for spring!

// Plan Reveals

1. Since I am still pretty busy in Spring, I've decided to do bimonthly posts! For the month of March I have 2 posts in addition to this one planned. I'm going to continue this for April.

2. MAY IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT. May is gonna be me studying like crazy in the days leading up to my SAT, so I will publish one post with a q & a video + a giveaway celebrating my blogoversary and then I will disappear and be back in June 

3. I"M GONNA NEED QUESTIONS, lots and lots of fun questions for my q & a video because I am gonna film it as early as possible. :) So please comment below or head over to twitter to ask me all the questions.

4. I have decided to keep using pinterest pictures, If I decide to share my pictures I will specifically mention it. I wanted to be sure to put that out there because in my last post I was hoping to do my own pictures. Well I am so busy that's probably impossible haha, 

Welcome to the "I always overshoot with my expectations™" gang

// Goodies

1. Wallpapers by yours truly for you all to use :)

{ disclaimer: all these pictures are not mine and are taken off of pinterest } 

2. A giveaway for a 5$ egift card from Starbucks! (If teaholics and coffee addicts can co exist anything is possible, amiright?)

 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Well guys, as I am left with nothing else I will wrap up with the promise that I have some great content coming your way this month and I cannot WAIT to bring it your way. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend and I will see you all the next one...

// How are you? It's been a good while and I'd love to hear how you all have been doing and all the projects you've been up to! Let's talk below :)

{ pics via pinterest }

Not many books do what Heartless did to me. *intense feelings to follow alert*

I dragged this book from place to place deliriously: in the car (even though it makes me sick and I haven't been that desperate for ages), onto the treadmill, classes, hallways waiting to be picked up, into the bathroom alternating doing my makeup while reading, in my room while I made my bed, to the kitchen whilst making breakfast. I simply could not stop reading.

And when I finished I have never felt the way I did... ever.

It felt as if someone was slowly piercing my heart with a sharp icy knife.

It hurt so badly I couldn't even cry.

And honestly (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT, highlight for my feeling dump) 

{The ending wasn't gory enough for me, I wanted to literally see Peter's head cut off his shoulders and I swear if I hadn't been in the gym I might have just shrieked out of the utter madness that consumed me. And also at that part when her parents said "we want you to be happy" right before she married the King, that's about when I started feeling like I lost my heart and I believe I may have just gone a bit mad alongside Catherine.}

For about three days I WAS CATH. Her joy was mine and so was her pain. I have never gotten into a character's shoes like I did with Catherine. 

Now get ready for a bunch of aesthetics and the review of a fangirl gone mad

This post should be a crazy wonderland.

 ( I can't stop it with the puns, sorry not sorry xD)

Heartless

 Madness Lives Here

lemon tarts / roses / luscious food / 

I Loved & Didn't

 

Has Heartless spoiled you too? Or are you exempt from the ranks of us? If so it may be time to join...

Are you writing something currently? Are you going to do Camp Nano this April? Talk to me! :)

{ all pics via pinterest}

In the past almost two weeks, my family lost wifi due to some network issues.  (just regained it yesterday night)

And boy when you don't have internet anymore it hits you. 

Like whabam, truck to a little car hits you.

No more of my normal music, no more checking social media, no more pinterest  :) *gasps*, no more movies, no more youtube videos, no more homework help, no more texting friends, no more beta reading, no more blogging, no more checking stocks for my co-op's stock market game, no more collaboration and working on certain projects .

We are so dependent on the internet it's almost insane.

Seriously!

And during these two weeks without internet I have been deeply reflecting on the internet and how it affects our creativity and generally my realization has been that above anything...

the internet makes us so lazy,

At least for myself...when I'm sick and tired of my math homework, I pull up youtube or get lost on social media.

Currently I am feeling the consequences of that, I'm still at A's but getting to the point where I'm really worried about that test on Monday.

too much internet and your creative juices are just gone

I've only written a few thousand words these weeks but I've not written that much for almost half a year.

 But on a deeper note many of the problems we have from the internet are self inflicted.

It is my own laziness and lack of will that leads me to escape to youtube when I'm tired of dealing with my siblings or homework.

It is my own lack of determination that puts aside writing to dawdle on pinterest.

My own human weakness that will put entertainment above what is good for me.

Now don't get me wrong, the internet has also helped me in many ways.

From all of the awesome people and interactions I've been a part of

to the incredible inspo I have received from reading blogs and browsing pinterest 

There is a very fine balance between dangerous and helpful

Too much internet time will make you severly depressed

will make you lose sense of time and purpose

will dehydrate your creativity

and bring on a fake sense of having to build up this world that honestly doesn't even exist

But just enough and you are helping yourself with

incredible resources

interacting with a community similar to yourself

receiving inspiration

learning new things

Starting today as in picking up from last week, I am continuing my goal to be more purposeful about what I do here on the world wide web.

I would suggest you pull up the sticky note application on your computer before you even pull up google chrome (or whatever other browser you use :P) and write down everything you are hoping to accomplish in this session. Look at the time and be purposeful about when you are going to get off.

Even better, start the day by writing up a little schedule instead of searching your brain and thinking "Oh what do I have to do again??? Was it really that important??" You'll head off to your next task knowing what you have to do and your brain will feel SO refreshed from the switch of activity.

Honestly I really recommend the post Abiee published today: 5 Things You Should Be Doing EVERY DAY To Stay Creative + Focused!  She put all the gold in one post and I couldn't agree more with all of her statements. In fact I almost feel like she was the muse for my post today so please do check her post out!

A few more nuggets of advice? 

- Follow your inner clock. For example my creative flow always comes at night/evening for some weird reason. The evening/nighttime has always been the best writing time for me, so I generally try to make time for it then.

- Use modern tech to your advantage, download audiobooks for free on overdrive and listen to them on the road or while you are doing chores.

- Carry around your journal or a notebook so you can jot down thoughts when they come to you. So many of my poems would not exist today if it wasn't for recording an amazing line that just popped into my head.

- Don't procrastinate, answer emails as soon as you can. Complete your homework the soonest possible etc. You will make much better use of your time that way!

How does the internet help you? How does the internet bother you? Share your thoughts!

 And how are you all doing? How's life :)? 

I have a little cold that's mixing with allergies *sigh*  Also I finished Cress and azbxdhzk THE SHIPS, it's so good!!! I can't wait to start Winter. *squeals*

“‘I will take away their harvest,
declares the Lord.
    There will be no grapes on the vine.
There will be no figs on the tree,
    and their leaves will wither.
What I have given them
    will be taken from them.’”

(Jeremiah 8:13)

2. Favorite book?

My absolute favorite book is "Les Miserables". The plot is spotless and guaranteed for shockers

 literal footage of me at parts

And the characters *sobs* don't even get me started. The romance is the sweetest too. The book addresses tough and painful social issues, it swept me up into the crisis and really made me think. ALSO THE QUOTABLES, this book has the actual best quotes ever. Go read it...NOW! :")

3.  Do you like candles?

Yesss! I love candles!
*sniffs*
  Fall candles, winter candles, spring candles, summer candles.
I just love having a lingering scent in my room, it not only boosts the feel good vibe but brings back memories unlike anything.

4. Rainy day or sunshine?

 Honestly it really depends on what I'm doing, for the introvert days when I feel like baking at home with books, tea, and my writing RAIN. But when I'm out and about I love sunshine.
But there is something sort of magical about rain hitting the roof, I'm a bit biased haha.


5. Reading or writing? (Yes, this is an evil question)

This is quite evil but what may be more evil is that the choice is pretty easy for me. I would read anyday before writing because let's be honest,


 I"M REALLY LAZY SOMETIMES.

6. Team Cap or Team Iron Man?

*blasts national anthem*
 TEAM CAP
TEAMMMMM CAAAAAAPPPP 

Iron man cracks me up but listen...Steve is the absolute best. <3

absolutely unecessary but actually necessary *hyperventilates* *fangirls*

7. What’s your favorite word?

This is incredibly hard because lately I've been obsessing over and finding new words on Pinterest, so I'm constantly finding new favorite words. Currently though this one will not stop to amaze and intrigue me,
GUYS ITS AMAZING, THERE IS A WORD FOR ALMOST EVERYTHING...you just have to look for it.



8. If it could only be one season for an entire year, which would you choose?

spring. 
A beautiful time when flowers are blooming and the air is light. The weather not too warm or cold. The time filled where the world bubbles with sounds and smells of life.

The only possible problem I have with spring is sneezing all the time due to pollen allergies :) Eternal sneezing doesn't sound too fun but I feel like I'd get used to it in time.
 

9. What’s your favorite book of the bible?

More like books for the indecisive me :)
My favorites are
John, Psalms, Ecclesiastes and Song of Solomon

10. What were your favorite novels in middle school?

 Ooh, I loved Anne of Green Gables. To this day I will always have an obsession with red hair and freckles...and poetry :)

I was also pretty obsessed with American girl books, Dear America and the classic Nancy Drew. AND BOXCAR CHILDREN <333


11. If you could learn any language, what would it be?

Because I am utterly dysfunctional my heart is drawn to 2 languages that almost no one speaks:
Latin and Elven Sindarin.

12. Which do you like better: thunderstorms or blizzards?

 Thunderstorms. The feeling of standing out as the rain thrums the world and lightning flashes in the sky followed by the magnanimous crash of thunder. The power and awe the flashes through my soul each time I witness it is indescribable.

13. What’s someplace you’ve always wanted to visit?

I want to visit little gems that no one knows about, I just want to take a huge roadtrip and stop by those intriguing little cafes, dawdle in antique shops, take long walks on isolated beaches or hidden hikes. Sure there are some biggies I'd love to see...but nothing compares to those off the chart locations.



 11 Personal Facts

1. I'm partly double jointed
2. I love spicy stuff
3. I'm perfectly obsessed with anything having to do with stars or space
4. I'm the oldest child in my family
5. I've been out of the country more than once
6. My creative inspiration always strikes me in the evening or night
7. I was born in July
8. My first love: FOOD <3 xD
9. I speak 4 languages
10. I am 17 years old
11. I'm an ambivert, I'm generally more extroverted but need plenty of recharging time


 Well that's about it for the Liebster Award! What are 11 facts about you? Comment below!
How've you all been lately? How's life? How are the projects.
Talk to me below! <3

If clouds are full of water,
    they pour rain on the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
    in the place where it falls, there it will lie.
(Ecclesiastes 11:3)

{pics via pinterest}

First off, a huge huge thanks to all of you. Going through the poll was incredibly encouraging for me. Not only did I get priceless input but your comments and ideas all really warmed my heart and just made me yet more excited to release this dream to you all.

Now for the slow burn intro...I bet you all are thinking

"Anna has been erratic on the blogosphere almost absent and then out of the blue she just shocks us all with this poetry book. "

It's a bit of a complicated story. First of all during these busy months when I barely had time to write (still in the phase) I started going through my old writings and reflecting over my time span as a writer. And even though I call myself a writer (and I am), I would be lying if I didn't credit poetry to be my first love and my foremost talent in writing.



Poetry has always been inter weaved into my thoughts, my heart and my writing.

Poetry has become a way for me to deal with inner pain, with the things I don't understand.

With all of life's confusion 

I don't think it's any secret I've been on one of life's mean roller coasters lately.

And I think going through this time has made me understand what the thrown around phrase

"Write what you're most scared of"  actually means.

Yes, I'm scared of opening up about my situation...about my past.

But there's also something incredibly powerful about being brave enough to share it with others, and find again and again that you aren't alone.



I hope this poetry book comes soon (I'm thinking it should hopefully be out and available by the next school year), so far I think it's coming beautifully. It's a collection of the old and new, the raw and the developed. It's a wild bunch of words and emotions, but it's me and most importantly it's me fighting my fears.

I know these above words sound like an incoherent mess, hard to understand without any context. It's hard to explain in one post...in a few sentences. Even my mind finds it hard to wrap around the meaning of what is happening currently in my life.

The meaning of what we are here in this world for.

But it comes one step at a time, and I believe this book is one step.

So thank you all for helping me out on this sometimes scary journey, you all mean so much more than you could know. Every word of encouragement: the thoughtful notes, comments, advice and friendship has been invaluable.

Yeah it may sound cheesy but my heart aches a little as I write it. This has been my unrecognized dream for so long and I slowly see it unfolding. It's almost as if once I gave over my will, God replaced my plans with something quite different and yet so much more amazing than mine.

Ad Meloria

Late post again! I think this becoming a bad habit of mine :P ALSO I SAW THE GREATEST SHOWMAN AND IT WAS SO GOOD EEP!!!
How are you all doing? How has God been working in your lives? Talk to me below! <3

Love is patient, love is kind.
 It does not envy, it does not boast, 
it is not proud.
 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
 it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
(Corinthians 13:4-5)

{pics via pinterest}

My late wrapping up 2018 post will mostly consist of accomplishments and snippets from my journal

*evil cackles*

Enjoy the exclusive look into my private life

what i did in 2017

one // painted my room

two // made some incredible friends

three // started journaling

four // started private school and a co op

five // took a lifeguarding class

six // wrote quite a few songs

seven // fought my anxiety and got out of my comfort zone

eight // finally watched marvel and lotr/hobbit and hunger games and now i'm in LOTS OF NEW FANDOMS :")

nine // read more

ten // wrote more than ever

life snippets // some funny, some serious

Ok I'm not kidding this actually happened, DL is a kid from my school...Isaiah is my brother *headdesks*

One day in study hall...

DL: So you live in the country right?

Isaiah: Yeah

DL: So what's your water source?

Isaiah: Oh, we have a well

DL: So do you have to get buckets of water in the morning?

Me: *groans disgustedly*

Isaiah: Seriously? No!

_

For a star to be born

There is one thing that must happen

A gaseous nebula must collapse

So when you  c o l l  a  p  s  e 

when you c r u m b l  e

It's not your destruction

It's your birth

-

Where there is fear lies a lack of love; and when circumstances prevent love then the only way to overcome fear is to work hard in trusting God and in listening to the song he put in those things around you

-

As the rythmic rocking of my arms slow down the the swing of Frank Sinatra and my mind sways away with the frolicking jazz beats to the rolling lyrics of love songs. My eyes drift to the basket of laundry by the chaise and the soft yellow nursery light bounces off the darkness that peeks out the blinds and the warm bundle of a baby girl lets her tired eyes droop.

The toys by the window smile placidly and I gently drop down into the nursery chair and the baby girl in my arms sucks sweetly on her thumb, her doll like features carved soft by the dwindling light.

Between the syncopations of the oriental and the old

Lies dissonance

Sweet dissonance, sweet tirednesss

So many stories untold

So many dreams left unfinished

Tomorrow Perhaps?

-

(D is one of my best friends)

"D finished Les Miserables and he cried at the end ACTUALLY cried abshdjkz MY LIFE IS COMPLETE, I literally feel like my favorite books/music/movies are like my children and when someone loves and accepts them like I do those people are pretty surely gonna stay AHH you do not understand how good and happy I felt at that moment...I know I'm slightly crazy 😂"

- 

(written as I sat by the fire with my family, we were all laughing and talking...my little bro was teaching my grandpa english and it was hilarious)

God Please keep moments this sweet, hilarious, so packed full of memories & feelings and spontaneous hugs and seeing your mother look younger by your grandmother, filled with flavors and tokens of the past, full of the ringing vibe that signals a new chapter, full of stories fit to go down in books...life is never perfect but it is good <3 Thank God <3

-

{ do you guys like this?  IT COULD TOTALLY BE MY EP ALBUM COVER SOMEDAY...I MEAN LOOK >> THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN}

What do you all think? Of these entries, goals and my mock album cover? :) I'm so sad to be gone from the blogosphere again, my computer is going through some tech issues (it's dead) and thank goodness I had this spare post planned or I would not be here at all. How are you all doing? <3

 And this is his command: 

to believe in the name of his Son, 

Jesus Christ, and to love one another 

as he commanded us.

(1 John 3:23)