{ Time to Grow } a look at taking time away from the online world to truly find yourself
March 09, 2019
Sit down and make yourself comfortable, it would be delightful if you brewed yourself a cup of tea or coffee...prepared your mind for the story I'm about to tell you. A real story painted in abstract notes. Notes that I only pray I can convey,
Be patient with me. This story could span books and I only have a few pages. Only minutes to explain something that changed my whole life, and something that undoubtedly has at some point changed yours too.
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| picture taken by me |
It started with a physical issue, a breaking in my screen, a broken plug, erratic wifi connection.
But often when things break on the outside it's only a reflection of what's breaking inside.
The shells I built were so convincing even I was sold
I am living a life worth something
I blog, I write, I find pretty pictures, my readers love me and my work
But you see, life doesn't revolve around what everything thinks of you and what you are able to do
Life revolves first and foremost around who you are in your truest essence and sadly...the online world proves absolutely nothing
And the break on the outside got me brewing on the inside
If all this was gone... who would I be?
No one
You cannot build your identity on sand castles, please please do not build your identity on such frail structures or you will break and fade away so pitifully.
That summer was difficult
Denial was as hot and strong as the humid air hanging above me
I tripped, I fell, I saw, I experienced
I changed
I started to bear the marks of one who has really begun to live life
No not a beautiful one, simply the jungle forest of good and bad all mixed up and shaken up.
I started to realize in the very scariness of the moment that everyone was so fatally flawed
And i was only a speck in the world, nothing special...yet somehow that knowledge felt incredibly empowering
It was alright to let go of the old bandages striping my pale deprived skin
I became truer to myself
More honest to God
Less perfect
More primal
Shedding the skins until I reached the very core
And until that moment I did not realize that it takes time, it takes change and an endless chain of digging and discovery and mistake making to find the truth in its nature
Don't get me wrong, Solomon was right when he said that knowledge is a curse.
Knowledge is a curse
But my ignorance was never a blessing
Those who are conceived in a place filled with confusion, a sustenance of false beliefs...
They are often so giving of heart, many times the resentment doesn't start at the continuous statements like
"It's a waste of time...you are absent minded and slothful and undisciplined" which all translates to disappointment in YOU
No many of us just throw on layer on layer of goodness to conceal the wound. If i will be good enough, perhaps this too shall pass.
But no.
Somethings never change
And so we, I must change
The breaking on the outside only reflects the breaking on the inside
The intense urgency to repair
To grow back to completion before slipping into oblivion
I will be never done growing
But my heart has been watered
Unconscious to those around me I didn't see that among the wolves there were sheep like me
All a little bit different but many with arms open
So first of all thanks to God
Then thanks to me, thanks to the little voice inside urging me to do something crazy...the voice knew what it was saying
Then last but not least thanks to my friends, my family, the random strangers fingerprints...the prayers, the believing in me, never judging me as I started to be really ME, holding my hand along the way and never letting me doubt that my heart though imperfect was full of blossoming potential.
So? Three things
1. I am so ready to be back here and be shamelessly myself and bring you all kinds of wonderful, raw and constantly improving content
2. Find friends, find people who will listen and listen back...don't stay with toxic people if you can possibly avoid it
3. Listen to the little voice screaming inside your head
//Tell me all about the big and little things you've been learning, the things that have "changed your life" so to speak. And also how are you all, how have you been growing? I really want to hear from everyone <3 comment below!
//Tell me all about the big and little things you've been learning, the things that have "changed your life" so to speak. And also how are you all, how have you been growing? I really want to hear from everyone <3 comment below!
25 comments
Okay, this was good. If all this was gone... who would I be? and Knowledge is a curse/But my ignorance was never a blessing were the lines that hit me the most.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you can look back and recognize growth, Anna. And yes to point three - I am so ready to take action on that little voice. I've been growing..slowly. I felt like I was going backwards a lot of the time recently, but there've been a couple of breakthrough moments which have given me so much hope - just realizing again that I'm here to serve not to prove myself, and, practically speaking, how I need to change my self-talk because I become who I tell myself I am. It's so cool how God shows up and offers these life-giving little truth moments. Thanks for asking, and as always, it's lovely to hear from you and read your honest words. xx
how I need to change my self-talk because I become who I tell myself I am. >>> wowowow that is so freaking profound and i NEEDED to hear that <3 Change is so hard because you have to humbly realize that you weren't always right and that maybe God has new ideas and things for you.
DeleteIt's so good to hear from you too Jessica, lots of love to you and I deeply admire your honesty and willingness to be so open to. It's inspiring xxx
This is beautiful. I love this type of post, the raw, honest posts with strong themes and messages.
ReplyDeleteHow I miss blogging, but I must take a break. Until I figure things out anyway. <3 But I will always be here ready to read a magnificent post from you. <3
I'm learning to stand strong on my own. I'm learning that the people out there aren't always great, but there are lots of good people out there. I'm learning that the way I behave when I'm mad isn't okay. I'm learning to grow.
THANK YOU IVIE :,) <3
DeleteBreaks can be hard too, especially when you are so happy doing something. xxx
I'm deeply proud of you. Despite all the rough patches life has been throwing you, you've been holding up like a champ through it all and that's INCREDIBLE AND INSPIRING AND AMAZING. <3 <3 <3 thank you so much for sharing
Wow, gorgeous! You know, I don't think I recall Solomon saying Knowledge is a curse, so I looked it up ... found a verse that basically says that in Ecclesiastes. I love that book because it looks at reality and truth in such a depressing, raw way. But I must admit when I think of wisdom/ knowledge I think of Proverbs and about how it's to be sought above most other things ;) But it really makes sense Solomon would say that ... and I've run on a rabbit trail.
ReplyDeleteLovely post! And yes my life has been cracked many times and those cracks shattered me, and I was broken, but I didn't choose to stay broken, but allowed God to mend me and put me back together, and I am who I am today because of that mending. Pain stinks, especially when it involves losing friends and someone you thought you really loved, or when family dies in stupid ways, or when daily stress and drama just keeps piling on so it can topple over onto you. But we don't have to let the cracks define us. We can change and become more beautiful instead.
It'll be fun to see you around the blog again!
keturahskorner.blogspot.com
It's such a contradiction! I've meditated on it so long. I feel like what he means is that even though knowledge/wisdom is highly valued the wiser/more you know the worst you understand the world and reality is. How deeply flawed everything here is and how much we have sinned and that's such a heavy burden for someone to realize and can often be incredibly depressing and overwhelming. Despite we know there is hope <3
Delete" But we don't have to let the cracks define us. We can change and become more beautiful instead. " >>> YES YES AND YES, thank you for sharing. It's good to see everyone is weaving their way through similar situations.
I'm incredibly happy to be back :) xxx
<3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteWow, this was amazing. I loved your writing style and what you learned. Thank you for sharing!!!
Thank youuuu :,) <3333 That means a lot, I'm so glad you liked it.
DeleteThis is so raw and so true! Thanks for this post! <3
ReplyDelete-Brooklyne
My pleasure Brooklyne! So glad you enjoyed it <3
DeleteIt's amazing to see how you learned, Anna. Also Jane is inviting old members back to the Fellowship of the Keyboards, and I was wondering if you wanted to join again this year. ;)
ReplyDelete-Quinley
*And Jane was wondering.
DeleteThank you Quinley!
DeleteUnfortunately I have absolutely no time for camp nano this year ;((( I miss y'all but it'll have to be a pass this time. Please tell everyone good luck and happy writing for me :) <3
You basically put in words what I felt over the past year and a half :) It's so beautiful, Anna :)
ReplyDeleteIt's a common struggle isn't it? <3 Thank you so much Catherine, i'm happy it spoke to you :)
DeleteAAAAAAHHH, YOU CAPTIVATED ME WITH EVERY WORD OF THIS. The influence internet has upon our lives is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
ReplyDelete<3333333
IT"S ALWAYS SOMETHING I RETURN TO IN MY MIND. AND THANK YOU xxx so happy you liked it!!!
DeleteAh, this is so beautiful, Anna! Finding yourself is one of the hardest things to find. Last year I was feeling so broken and useless, but it has been getting better, and this post helped a lot, too. All of what you said reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
ReplyDelete“There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.” - Leonard Cohen
I love that you are being yourself and I can't wait to read more! <3
I love that quote! I'm so happy you've been doing better, I only hope you continue growing in all the good ways. It's not easy but it's a good thing to feel oneself changing for the better. <333
DeleteI've tried to grow but every step I take towards freedom from the disaster I done created is one step back it seems. It is so frustrating! I've been learning to not be too dependent on others, and to let go of fear of what others might think. It takes time it seems.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you!!! It's terribly rough to change. It's uncomfortable and sticky and oftentimes ugly. In fact it's almost necessary to take the step backs and evaluate yourself to know how to move forward. So honestly i wish you all the best for the journey, I know you have it in you and God is on your side through all the falling.
DeleteAlso it's wonderful that you're becoming more independent and not minding what others think. That's a true sign of growth.
This sounds interesting! I will keep an eye out for it. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWow! So much detail! I really like it. I'm excited to read more!!!
ReplyDeleteLove this.This sounds interesting..Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI really love it, Thanks for sharing! Looking forward for more!
ReplyDeleteHi! Thank you so much for your comments, they always make my day. I allow anonymous users to comment on my blog, but any crass, profane, pointless criticism and mean comments will be deleted. Remember to check back or click notify because I reply to all of my comments!
Have a Blessed day <3